I’ve talked in many of my posts about my, at times, envy, for those who’ve followed one specific path in life and find themselves dedicated to one passion. I sometimes feel existentially flighty with my love for so many things and curiosity in what seems to be conflicting passions and interests. My wavering tendencies sometimes transfer over into my life-living ideals.
On a trip back to LA last month, from a visit home, the idea of this blog came to me. I was struggling with a decision. It wasn’t a decision I had to make, but rather an action that could potentially change the course of a relationship in my life. Should I put some actions into motion or just let things take their course? I went back and forth for hours, as my thoughts kept my exhausted body (and mind) from sleeping (or maybe it was the obnoxious guy in the middle seat who elbowed me the entire flight).
I am a faithful person by nature, as I grew up with my mom always telling me that things work out the way they’re supposed to. In my adult life, I have gotten myself into the habit of waking up every morning thinking of the things I’m thankful for in life. On the flip side, my OCD, anxious, type-A personality, keeps me wanting to be in control of my life. I’m not going to lie, I low-key freak out in some situations where my actions aren’t leading the way of the final results, which is one reason why becoming a travel nurse has been one of the bravest, most life-changing experiences I’ve ever found myself in.
So here are my overriding questions….is fate, fate? Can we fight it? Do we make it? If all of our actions cannot fight what is meant to be, how do we know when we can and should intervene? I’m not questioning my faith here, I know when it is all said and done, God and the universe have my back.
I truly believe in the idea of intuition, and I’ve said before it’s my favorite “superpower.” There have been several instances in my life when I just know something. I believe that women, in particular, have a strong connection and are deeply in tune with their intuition. When I’ve been faced with important decisions and for critical moments in my profession (that’s a song for another time), I have just had this insane rush of knowing and feeling the answer almost to my core. And to be honest, I struggle with the rest.
As cliche as it sounds, I know what’s meant to be will always find a way, but it doesn’t mean I’m not going to feel some anxiety along the way. I envy those who can fully go with the flow. But for the rest of us, I guess that’s why there’s wine, prayer, and xanax.